Love means nothing in tennis, but it’s everything in life. –Author unknown
We all need to feel loved. We thrive and grow because of love. It’s key to any relationship whether it’s a significant other, a relative, a friend or a coworker.
Language is the way we communicate with each other and love has its own language. According to Gary Chapman’s book, The 5 Love Languages, knowing how to speak them can help improve our relationships.
We each have a primary language which is how we express our love to others. When someone speaks our language to us, we feel that person cares about us. It’s natural for us to communicate to others in the way that would make us feel loved, but if it’s not the other person’s primary language, it won’t mean the same to them.
The 5 Love Languages
- Words of Affirmation
You’ve heard the saying, “If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.” In words of affirmation, what you say and how you say it is important. Compliments, words of appreciation, encouragement and praise hold value and are meaningful to the recipient.
Words of affirmation can be as simple as saying, “I love you”, “thank you” or telling a coworker that they’re doing a good job. This expression of love is uplifting, while negative comments, insults, constant criticism or complaining can be hurtful and make us feel unloved.
- Receiving Gifts
Some people feel most loved when they receive gifts. It’s not about materialism or spending a lot of money. Rather, this language involves giving a meaningful gift where the recipient appreciates the thoughtfulness behind it. It doesn’t count when you give a gift out of guilt or because you did something wrong.
- Acts of Service
In acts of service, actions speak louder than words. Expressing love in this language could mean helping a coworker with a project, helping your spouse with household chores, cooking a meal, or giving someone a ride. Finding ways to serve can strengthen the bond with the recipient who speaks this language.
- Quality Time
Quality time involves focused attention and togetherness. It means listening to someone with your undivided attention and spending time doing activities together. Quality time includes quality conversation, quality listening and quality activities.
- Physical Touch
As you may have guessed, a person whose primary language is physical touch likes to touch and be touched. Gestures such as hugs, holding hands, kisses, a pat on the back, or a hand on the shoulder show care and love. Physical touch can strengthen a connection in relationships. Just remember to observe and be aware of the types of touch that are appropriate in different situations. What might be okay in a romantic relationship may not be acceptable with a coworker.
What’s Your Primary Language?
If you’re not sure what your language is, you can observe your own behavior and what you ask of others. Listen to your complaints because that can be very telling (e.g. “You never have anything nice to say.” “This house is a mess. I wish you wouldn’t leave your clothes laying around.”) And, if you’re still not sure what your language is, you can take the online quiz at 5lovelanguages.com.
Once you know what your main way of communicating is, you can then identify how other people communicate by using the same methods: observe their behavior, listen to what they complain about, and what they ask for most often.
Enhancing and Transforming Relationships
The key to enhancing our relationships is to be multi-lingual. If we feel most loved when someone speaks our language, then being able to communicate in another person’s language will make them feel important.
It’s not always easy to identify someone else’s language, so you may have to practice and test each one to see which they’re most receptive to.
When you know what your language is and can speak the languages of others, you can start to transform your relationships. And, that’s important because we all need to feel loved.
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