Time only heals if we do something with that time.
– Mark Groves
An acquaintance asked me if I didn’t think it was too soon to be engaged after getting a divorce. Personally, I don’t think so. It’s been four years since my divorce, but there is something more important than the amount of time that has passed.
Time itself doesn’t heal. It’s what you do with that time. A person could be single for a decade, but if they haven’t done any work on themselves, haven’t reflected or made different choices, it doesn’t mean they’re ready to be in a relationship just because a certain amount of time has passed.
Also, keeping busy just to be busy, or doing things to numb yourself as a way of avoiding hard feelings, only postpones healing.
My marriage was in trouble well before we separated and then divorced. When I started dating after my divorce, I admit that I wasn’t ready for a serious relationship. I even questioned if I would ever marry again. I found myself dating emotionally unavailable people because I too was unavailable. Eventually, I realized that I wanted more and I became clearer about what I wanted in a relationship. I had to make different choices if I wanted my life to change.
Doing the Work
For about a year, I took a break from dating, during which I worked on myself and practiced self-care. I gave myself time to process the pain, sadness, and self-doubt that came along with ending a marriage. I learned to love myself, took time to be alone and embraced it. I also sought resources that helped me explore my past and my patterns. And, I made a conscious effort to be the kind of person I wanted in a partner.
I was divorced for two years (and separated a year before that) when I reconnected with Alex (who I first met at my cousin’s wedding two decades ago).
Growth and Learning in Partnership
When we reconnected, I felt open to and ready for a relationship, though I wasn’t actively looking. Being in a relationship has provided a level of growth that I wouldn’t have gotten by myself. The potential for growth and learning are great in partnership. For example, the triggers within a relationship are challenging and will reveal (and test) your patterns. They provide insight into the areas that need healing. In addition, learning to set and respect boundaries creates safety and is an act of love.
We got engaged last summer and I don’t think it’s too soon. It’s not just about the amount of time that has passed between relationships. Time itself doesn’t heal. It’s what you do with that time.
This reminds me of a quote from Part 1 of The Alchemist (which I’m currently reading..again) “He had learned that there were certain things one shouldn’t ask about so as not to flee from one’s personal legend”.
Our personal legend, stories, decisions…are just that – OURS. We cannot try to convince others of the worth, neither should we try. When we open it to others to pick apart and dissect, we bring up the possibilities of self doubt simply based on their response.
I choose self mastery. To make my own decisions, take my own risks, and be accountable. I admire you Sandra. Great post!
Yes, self-mastery is so important. It’s easy for others’ opinions to affect us and even create self-doubt if we let them. This reminded me of something Brene Brown said… “We care about what people think of us… but we have to be very specific about the people whose opinions of us matter.”