“Life gets a lot easier when you remember your partner is not you and you are not your partner. If you expect them to think, act, feel, and be the same way you are then the likelihood of disappointment, frustration, and resentment increases.” – Vienna Pharaon
This tip from marriage and family therapist, Vienna Pharaon isn’t just for romantic relationships. While this advice has helped me with my partner, it has also helped me put things into perspective with other people.
One friend seems stuck in a pattern of getting involved with the “wrong” people and then getting hurt in the process. She keeps making the same choices and wonders why she continues to find herself in the same situation. Many times I’d get drawn into and drained by the emotional drama and it would frustrate and bother me when she didn’t listen to my advice.
Although I am not her and she is not me, I’ve had expectations of how my friend should think, act and respond. Just because I might do something or respond a certain way doesn’t mean she (or anyone else) will (or should) do the same — and vice versa.
In my opinion, this friend doesn’t feel “good enough.” She seeks validation and wants to feel chosen. That’s true for many of us, but when those feelings cause us to abandon ourselves or prevent us from setting boundaries, it leads to our own pain.
I find it challenging to hold space for someone when I think they can fix their situation, but they don’t try to. I’ve struggled in finding a balance between giving advice, holding space with compassion and making someone feel heard without enabling them.
Although I want to see my friend happy and I try to challenge her to “do the work,” I have to step back. Perhaps she isn’t ready or is scared to make changes. Whatever the reason, I realize that I can’t do the work for her and no matter what I think or say, it’s her life to live and her lessons to learn.
I’m learning to discern when to offer advice and when to just listen and be supportive. When I remember that I am not my her and she is not me, I can let go of any frustration and expectations.
