It wasn’t until long after my divorce that I would learn about The Four Horsemen by The Gottman Institute. The Four Horsemen (as in the Apocalypse) is a metaphor to describe communication styles that can predict the end of a relationship. They are: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling.
I have been both the giver and recipient of these communication styles, with each existing in my first marriage. I’m not sure anything would have changed even if I had known this information during the difficult and toxic years with my ex-husband. I hope, however, it creates awareness and is a useful tool in my present relationship.
Hurt People Hurt People
Often, my ex would invalidate my feelings and tell me I was too sensitive and too emotional. When I tried to express how I felt, I was told I was wrong for feeling that way!
Whenever I felt criticized or triggered in my previous marriage, I would get defensive. Many times when I felt attacked or resentful, I resorted to name calling which was usually in response to being called a name first.
Name calling is disrespectful, hurtful and demeaning and falls under the contempt category (as does sarcasm, mocking, ridiculing, eye-rolling, and scoffing) of the Four Horseman. Looking back, I think that was my intent with my ex-husband because I wanted to hurt him the way he hurt me.
Contempt and resentment developed over time and the name calling became a power play. It was a defense mechanism, as well as a learned reaction and habit of my low self esteem and lack of self worth.
An Automatic Response
Just thinking about that behavior and witnessing others name calling makes me cringe, yet I’ve done this to my fiance more than once. I’m not making excuses or justifying my behavior, but in my past relationship, it became an automatic response. Not that it’s any consolation, but I’ve even name called to myself (e.g. I’m stupid, I’m an idiot, etc.) and I’ve since become more aware of that negative self-talk.
Even though name calling hurt when it happened to me, I didn’t think it was that bad because it became a common occurrence with my ex. When it happened the first time with my current partner, he made it clear it was unacceptable, and I agreed I wouldn’t do it again. In the three years we’ve been together, I think it’s happened a handful of times. I thought I had that behavior in check until a recent argument ensued.
In the heat of the moment, with my emotions running high, that automatic response of name calling came out before I even realized what I had done. The conflict I was experiencing with my partner brought me back to a time with my ex and the auto-response kicked in. I know that my fiance is not my ex-husband and our relationship is different, but some of my reactions during conflict are almost automatic when I feel triggered. I realized what I had done was wrong and I apologized, but the damage was already done.
I Still Have Work to Do
It’s so easy to lash out when I feel criticized or attacked, but I have to unlearn this unacceptable behavior. Otherwise, I risk the wellbeing of my relationship. I need to figure out how to stop name calling once and for all… I know I can do better, but honestly, I’m not sure how to yet.
I know that I still have work to do and that there are still areas in my life that need healing. I want to learn and practice a more effective and healthier way of communicating so that I can be kinder — my fiance deserves that. I’m still learning and growing and I hope that my partner can be patient and forgiving if and when I slip up.
