This tip from marriage and family therapist, Vienna Pharaon isn't just for romantic relationships. While this advice has helped me with my partner, it has also helped me put things into perspective with one of my friends.
An acquaintance asked me if I didn't think it was too soon to be engaged after getting a divorce. I don't think so. It's been four years since my divorce, but there is something more important than the amount of time that has passed.
Pausing takes practice. It’s not something that comes naturally or easily for me, especially when I allow my emotions to take over.
Having lived in Georgia for a little over a decade, I return to visit my “second home” when I can. My most recent trip to Atlanta was so much fun. I flew in from New York on a Thursday night and my fiance, Alex drove down from Cincy on Saturday.
I’ve noticed how some interactions with people have left me feeling drained, frustrated or annoyed. The conversations typically focus more on the negative rather than the positive. Sometimes I could be listening to someone vent and I’d get annoyed by the repetitive nature of the conversations. Ever get tired of hearing the same thing over and over again? I do, especially when someone doesn’t seem to be doing anything about their the problem or keeps holding on when maybe they should just let go. There’s no progress.
The Epictetus quote above suggests not to be judgmental and it also refers to how a person acts as a mirror. I tend to criticize when I am annoyed. Rather than judge, however, I’ve started to ask myself, why does this bother me? Maybe how I perceive someone’s shortcomings is actually a reflection of my own. Basically, what I don’t like in someone else is mirroring back what I don’t like about myself.
It may have reminded me of my own insecurities and the things I don’t like about myself such as: not speaking up when something bothers me, making assumptions, taking things too personally, not having strong boundaries, indecisiveness, the feeling of being stuck, not feeling worthy or good enough, and self-doubt. Acknowledging these within myself is not new. I have worked on improving many of these aspects about myself. One would think that I’d be more patient and understanding of others, but that’s not always the case. I’m learning how to observe my reactions and feelings in those instances. It reminds me to have compassion, patience and kindness towards others, as well as myself.
Then again, maybe at times it has nothing to do with me… people are just annoying. LOL.