The Role of Food in My Life

Food has played both good and bad roles in my life. I love eating and consider myself a foodie. Yeah, I’m that person who takes photos of my meals and posts them on Instagram. What can I say? I love food.

For me, food has been a part of many positive experiences growing up. In Filipino culture, parties and get-togethers center around food.

My mom was an amazing cook. She encouraged my sister and me to invite friends over to enjoy the feast she prepared for us. Spending quality time and sharing a meal with family and friends helped strengthen those connections. To this day, I still enjoy having conversations and bonding over a meal.

On the flip side, I’ve also turned to food for comfort. Whether it’s out of boredom or to avoid confronting something difficult, I admit to being an emotional eater and mindless snacker.

I Gained Weight After I Moved

When I was younger, I could eat whatever I wanted without gaining any weight. It wasn’t until I got married and moved to Georgia that I gained over 40 pounds. I hated taking pictures because I didn’t like the way I looked. I blamed my weight gain on a lack of exercise and fast food.

Before relocating, I worked in Manhattan where I walked everywhere, whereas I had to drive to get around in Georgia and led a more sedentary lifestyle. In NY, I had easy access to healthy and organic food, but living in a Georgia suburb, this wasn’t as accessible (at least not at first). I was also working full time and going to grad school at night, so trips to the fast food drive thru became a regular routine because of convenience.

The Emotional Component

There was also an emotional component that I believe contributed to my eating habits and weight gain. A month before my husband and I relocated to Georgia, my father passed away. We didn’t have any friends or family in the area when we moved. There were long periods of time when my husband was unemployed and that put a financial strain on our marriage. There was also a lot of negativity, contempt and criticism, and over time, our relationship became toxic.

After eight years of marriage, we separated. We got divorced a year later, and shortly after, I was laid off. Other life events happened, including several moves (with my most recent move back to NY) and my mom’s passing. I’m not sure if I ever really processed or fully healed from some of these events.

Eating Habits

My weight has fluctuated over the years. I lost at least 10 pounds when I got divorced, but have since gained back that weight and then some. Though I joined a gym, my eating habits didn’t

necessarily improve. Overeating and turning to food for comfort was still there.

I think my insecurities (not feeling like I was good enough) and my general anxiety over the unknown has played a role in my eating habits. Turning to food rather than confronting these emotions contributed to my weight gain, my inability to lose weight or keep it off when I did lose it.

I gained another 5 pounds since the beginning of this year and my clothes got tighter. When I get down or I’m not happy with myself, my negative body image magnifies and I feel fat. There are probably many people who would look at me and think I’m crazy for feeling this way. I’d like to be more accepting of my body and myself. I guess knowing where I’ve been sometimes makes it difficult to accept where I am.

Am I Hungry or Am I Avoiding?

About a month or so ago, I watched an EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique) Tapping video focused on binge eating on YouTube. EFT Tapping is a healing technique that involves tapping near the end points of energy meridians around the body to reduce stress. It fosters a deeper mind-body connection. I’m not sure if it was the tapping, but I became more aware of when I had an urge to resort to emotional eating. Instead of automatically eating without even thinking, I would ask myself, “Am I hungry or am I avoiding an uncomfortable feeling?”

Making Small Changes

I also began to make small changes. I started keeping a food diary to track what I ate and the number of calories I consumed using the My Fitness Pal app. The app provides a recommended daily calorie consumption. Before this, I wasn’t aware of how much I was consuming. For the past month or so, I’ve been consistently keeping a food log. I’m more mindful of what and how much I eat. Occasionally I may go over the calorie count, but that’s okay.

I also started exercising more. I was already practicing yoga regularly, but I’m doing more cardio. Just walking on the treadmill at a moderate pace has made a difference.

Leaning into Uncomfortable Feelings

For too long, food has been a way of avoiding difficult feelings and not having to confront my problems.

I’m learning to lean into the uncomfortable feelings and to heal wounds that haven’t quite healed. I am still learning how to process the difficult emotions, and I am glad I’m not turning to food the way I used to. There are moments when I feel like binging on junk food, but I’m proud of myself when I make a conscious choice not to. I still snack but have been able to stop myself from overindulging.

Since I started making these small changes, my clothes are fitting better and that motivates me.

I’m changing the role that food has played in my life. I still enjoy food, eating and taking foodie pics. I still enjoy bonding over a meal with family and friends. Now, I’m more mindful about when I eat, what I eat and how much I eat.