According to Google Dictionary, ghosting is “the practice of ending a personal relationship with someone by suddenly and without explanation withdrawing all communication.” I admit, I’ve been on both the giving and receiving end of ghosting. I ghosted someone long before I knew there was even a name for it, and wouldn’t learn of the term until it happened to me.
I Was Ghosted
Shortly after my divorce, I met a guy on an online dating site. We went on several dates and seemed to hit it off. We communicated regularly even when we didn’t see each other. After about a month, however, he cut communication and stopped responding to my messages.
Not only did it hurt my feelings (and ego), it affected my self-esteem. We just started dating, but getting ghosted created self-doubt and made me question myself. What happened? Did I do something? Why doesn’t he like me? Was there something wrong with me? Even if he didn’t want to tell me in person, didn’t he have the courtesy to call or at least text me? I accepted that I would never get an answer from him.
Sometimes you have to give yourself closure and accept you may never get it from the person you seek it. I thought he was inconsiderate and cowardly to ghost me. It upset, embarrassed and angered me. I would come to realize that ghosting said more about him than it did of me. He did me a favor by taking himself out of the picture. I even go on to joke about Ghost Boy in a previous blog post, Looking for Love in All the Wrong Places.
Reasons Why People Ghost
Ghosting can happen in any type of relationship and there are several reasons why people do it. A recent Instagram post by @nedratawwab lists some of those reasons — many of which resonated with me.
One of my high school classmates had very strict parents. She would lie to her parents so as not to get in trouble with them. Although we became friends and hung out a lot, I couldn’t believe her exaggerated stories. I think she sought attention. Though many of her stories sounded far-fetched and made up, I didn’t call her out on them.
I Ghosted a Friend
During our senior year, my friend’s parents said she couldn’t go to the prom, so she went behind their back. She told them we were going on a class trip to Niagara Falls. It wasn’t a complete untruth as we did have a senior trip after prom. Her parents suspected she was lying and I got pulled into covering for her so she wouldn’t get in trouble. I resented that I was expected to lie for her. I felt pressured into covering for her because she was crying. A classmate even told me, “you know what you have to do” — as if I didn’t have a choice. It’s what a friend is supposed to do.
I ghosted her after graduation, right as we were both starting college out of state. I just “disappeared.” I didn’t leave a forwarding number or a mailing address. This was before cell phones, emails, or social media, so it was easier to not be found. I told my family not to give her my contact information at school and I didn’t return the messages she left with them.
I imagine the situation confused and hurt her. We eventually reconnected (maybe at the end of the school year – I don’t remember exactly) and I had finally confronted her with the reasons I cut communication in the first place. Any attempt to be friends or stay in touch afterwards was short-lived.
Why I Ghosted
When I ghosted my friend, I felt justified. I felt resentful, annoyed and frustrated and it was hard to communicate my feelings. In addition to having to lie for her, I didn’t believe or trust her. Cutting ties was my escape and seemed like an easy way of ending the friendship. Being a non-confrontational person, I avoided conflict because I was too uncomfortable having a difficult conversation.
I regret how I handled the situation with my friend because it was mean. I lacked the courage and didn’t think of how hurtful my action was at the time (or maybe since I felt justified, I didn’t care?). I’ve since felt bad about it. I wish I had the courage back then to just be honest and have the uncomfortable conversation. It’s taken me most of my life to learn not to avoid conflict.
Some friendships end naturally because the relationship has run its course. Other times, the communication drops and people don’t stay in touch (and even then the friendship isn’t really over). That’s different from ghosting.
Although I can see how and why ghosting happens, it shouldn’t be a common or normal thing.
