When Time Heals
An acquaintance asked me if I didn't think it was too soon to be engaged after getting a divorce. I don't think so. It's been four years since my divorce, but there is something more important than the amount of time that has passed.
Category: wisdom
Practicing the Pause
Pausing takes practice. It’s not something that comes naturally or easily for me, especially when I allow my emotions to take over.
A Strange Sense of Entitlement?
This is what I presume happened before I walked into yoga class: A man set up his mat in the corner of the room closest to the door. When he stepped away, a woman moved his mat and set hers down in his place. Then, she stepped out of the room. The man comes back confused as to why his mat has moved.
When a Person Acts as a Mirror
“When you are offended by any man’s faults, turn to yourself and study your own failings. Then you will forget your anger.” – Epictetus
I’ve noticed how some interactions with people have left me feeling drained, frustrated or annoyed. The conversations typically focus more on the negative rather than the positive. Sometimes I could be listening to someone vent and I’d get annoyed by the repetitive nature of the conversations. Ever get tired of hearing the same thing over and over again? I do, especially when someone doesn’t seem to be doing anything about their the problem or keeps holding on when maybe they should just let go. There’s no progress.
A Mirror
The Epictetus quote above suggests not to be judgmental and it also refers to how a person acts as a mirror. I tend to criticize when I am annoyed. Rather than judge, however, I’ve started to ask myself, why does this bother me? Maybe how I perceive someone’s shortcomings is actually a reflection of my own. Basically, what I don’t like in someone else is mirroring back what I don’t like about myself.
It may have reminded me of my own insecurities and the things I don’t like about myself such as: not speaking up when something bothers me, making assumptions, taking things too personally, not having strong boundaries, indecisiveness, the feeling of being stuck, not feeling worthy or good enough, and self-doubt. Acknowledging these within myself is not new. I have worked on improving many of these aspects about myself. One would think that I’d be more patient and understanding of others, but that’s not always the case. I’m learning how to observe my reactions and feelings in those instances. It reminds me to have compassion, patience and kindness towards others, as well as myself.
Then again, maybe at times it has nothing to do with me… people are just annoying. LOL.
Looking for Love in All the Wrong Places
“I was looking for love in all the wrong places. Looking for love…”
That was me after I got divorced a few years ago. That was an interesting transition period. I had this new found “freedom” and was also “finding myself.” In the midst of all that, I started online dating.
A Plethora of Characters
Within a few months, I encountered a plethora of characters… from Ghost Boy, Playa President, to Wannabe Boyfriend.
Ghost Boy
I thought Ghost Boy and I really hit it off. We had several dates. We had good conversations and we had fun together. Then, he had to “babysit” his son for two weeks. We didn’t see each other during that time, but we stayed in contact… that is until he stopped responding to my text messages. He disappeared and like a ghost was never to be seen or heard from again. He did me the biggest favor by ghosting me. Ghost Boy saved me the time and trouble by dumping himself for me.
Playa President
About a month later, I met Playa President online. I was excited about going on our first date — that is until he texted me, “Are you looking for a hookup?” I was shocked. I was thinking… you need to at least buy me dinner first. But, seriously, I was taken aback by the question. I said if it’s what I think you mean, then no. I’m not. I asked him, “Is that what you’re looking for?” He responded, I’ve been single for two years, I’m not 100% sure what I’m looking for. Single? For two years? I can’t imagine why. We never met.
Wannabe Boyfriend
I met Wannabe Boyfriend at a match.com sponsored event. He wasn’t exactly my type, but I wanted to keep an open mind, so I agreed to go to dinner with him. We got along fine, but he was moving a little too fast. We had only been on one date and he was already acting like I was his girlfriend. He suggested I cook dinner for him at my place for our second date. He said he wanted a serious relationship ASAP. His words exactly! Maybe I should call him Ghost Boy because he scared me off.
Advice for Online Dating
May I offer advice on online dating? I know we all want to look good, but please DO NOT misrepresent yourself.
Salesman Bob
I recall a former coworker… I’ll call him Salesman Bob. Salesman Bob’s profile came up as a potential match. Had I not worked with him, I would not have known that all his pictures were at least 10 years old. His online persona was a much younger and more attractive version than his current self. In real life, he had gray hair and was 30 pounds heavier.
That’s just false advertising! There are things you can’t (or shouldn’t) lie about like age, weight and height. If you do get a date, at some point, you’re going to get found out. And it’s very unlikely you’ll get a second date. Nobody likes bait and switch. What are people thinking? Yeah, don’t do that.
One other piece of advice… When you are on a date, be present. Offer your full attention to the person you’re with. That means NOT turning your head to check out another woman while we’re having a conversation. Yep, that happened to me. #truestory
Taking a Break from Dating to Focus on Myself
After meeting several more characters… I decided to take a break from dating altogether. Instead, I focused on self-love and self-care.
I was looking for love in all the wrong places because I was looking outside of myself. Once I learned to truly love and value myself, everything else started falling into place. I learned to be true to myself and I started making different choices.
I’m grateful for having met all these delightful characters because they made me realize what I did NOT want in a relationship.
Had I not encountered Ghost Boy, Playa President or Wannabe, I may not have found love within myself. And, had I not found love within, I may not have found love with my current partner… my leading man… who by the way, is now my fiancé.